Saturday, March 28, 2009

Hold on a Second


Whenever your boss walks up to your desk and wants to talk to you about something, a fun thing to say is, "Hold on, let me finish this last set of kegels." Then patiently wait for about 15 more seconds with a look of concentration on your face. Finally, say, "Alright, all done. What is it you wanted to see me about?"

If you know you are in trouble with your boss, this method can be used to buy time so you can think of an excuse. It also can be used just for fun.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Just Give Up


Remember that lady who sat on the toilet so long that her skin became stuck to the seat? It was about a year ago. She basically grew around the toilet seat and became one with it. Here is a link to refresh your memory:

Woman's skin grows to toilet

Anyway, ever since that happened, I realized something. Every time one of us sits on a toilet, we are initiating the act of becoming one with it. We are bonding to the toilet, just like that gross lady. The only difference is we get up before the union can run its course. Pretty incredible when you think about it. Our skin cells are trying their darnedest to permanently hook up with that seat.

I especially think about this when I spend too much time on a crossword. I say to myself, "Michael, you better get up. You are starting to become one with the toilet. Let it go." This is by far the best argument for me giving up on a crossword. I'll bet that woman who sat on the toilet for two years was doing a crossword the whole time. She probably said, "Darn it, I'm not getting up until I finish this thing." There was probably an entire corner of the crossword that was proper nouns she wasn't familiar with, and she just couldn't get the thing done. I definitely view her as a cautionary tale in my life. Sometimes the best choice of action is to give up.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Psychic Nose


I have a psychic nose. I can smell things before the scent is actually present. It is a useless gift for the most part. I have offered my services to the police department, attempted to make money with a 1-900 number, and tried to sell my story to Hollywood, but no one is really all that interested in my gift. It makes for a pretty cool party trick, though.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

About Me - Range/Change

When someone shoots a basketball from a short distance and makes it, I say straight to their face, "No range, no change!" and keep the ball for myself.