A Special Thanksgiving Thought

You know, this last Thursday I was thinking of all the things I am thankful for. So I got to thinking about venomous snakes. Did you know that the venom of a baby snake is tons more potent than the venom of a full grown snake? Isn't that something else? It's an enhanced defense mechanism or whatever. Anyway, I am thankful that human babies aren't incredibly venomous. Can you imagine how dangerous they would be? Who would want to take care of them? And boy, breast feeding would be twice as dangerous! Nothing is healthier for a young baby than mother's milk. I imagine if their children were venomous, quite a few ladies would pass on the breast feeding thing. So I am thankful that the human race doesn't produce venomous children.

How to Not Save Time

I walked into a a take-out place the other day, and I decided I would do something different to save myself some time. Instead of locking my car door, I left the sucker unlocked. I would be able to see my car the whole time, so I didn't fear someone meddling with it. I figured it would be much quicker because I wouldn't waste time fumbling for my keys with the to-go food in my hand. I love saving time!

Well, my plan worked perfectly for a while. I got in my car, put the food in the passenger seat. Sweet, I didn't have to spend any time unlocking the door! But then, I needed to start the car. My keys were still in my jeans pocket. Since I was sitting down, I swear it took me about 30 seconds and much arching of my back to get the keys out. Time saved: -13 seconds. Certainly not the advantage I anticipated. I just guess that goes to show, you should never change up your routine, because change is bad and screws everything up.

After I wrote this blog entry, something seemed familiar. I did some searching, and I found some advice I should have listened to:

What Genius Wrote This?

If I had listened to that guy, I could have saved myself some time.

What Low Gas Prices?

I just met a recently thawed dude who had been frozen in ice in 2003. He has no idea about the junk that has gone on with gas prices the last few years. He is showing zero appreciation for the current price drop. I wish he would at least act excited.

Pour Some Sugar

You know those people who take pride in not adding sugar or creamer to their coffee? Who the heck do they think they are? Why is this considered a badge of honor to them?

Oooooo, you are so bad. You don't need any sugar or creamer. How bitter it must taste! But you don't care because you are so tough! I'll bet you sleep on a bed of nails at night, don't you?

Just stop acting like you are more of a man than me because you don't add sugar to coffee. There is nothing unmanly about sugar. Sugar tastes great. In fact, judging by how much larger you are than me, I am guessing you too enjoy sugar via other means than coffee. So just wipe that haughty look off your face and drink your coffee and don't think you are better than me because you don't need sugar and creamer. Got it?

When Hadrons Collide

Perhaps you have heard about the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). It is going to accelerate particles and we will learn some stuff supposedly about bosons or something. Well, there are some people who are worried that this thing may destroy the Earth. Some of the theories are described here:

How We're All Gonna Die From The Large Hadron Collider

I'm here to tell you that you don't need to listen to these bunch of sissies. There is nothing to be afraid; trust me, I know from experience. You see, I have a Small Hadron Collider (SHC) in my basement that has never given me a bit of trouble. I have been operating it for years now. Sure, it released a couple of demons from an alternate dimension, and it managed to give my dog wings, but the overall effect has been minimal. It is most certainly not Earth threatening (unless the demons suddenly decide to eat Earth instead of children). So sleep well, your Earth is not ending.