A Christmas Tradition

If you are looking for a new Christmas tradition to celebrate with your family, then I've got the thing for you. It's a Santa Clause pinata. Can you believe they make this? It is great. This is a wonderful way to give the children confused feelings about Santa. You get the pinata and pummel it in front of kids. They will enjoy the candy that comes out, but they will be horrified that Santa is being pummeled. They will associate beating up Santa, the symbol of generosity at Christmas, with getting yummy candy. Their mixed feelings will haunt them for years. It will probably make them go to therapy, too.

Well Then Try This Face

So you guys seen this whole face transplant stuff? Crazy.

Face Transplant Story

According to the article, this is the "first near-total face transplant in the United States."

They are mistaken, however. This was not the first face transplant. Those who watched Knight Rider should know that Michael Knight received a face transplant. That was in the 80's. Then in the 90's, I recall a couple of guys actually switched faces. One was a cop going undercover with a bad guy's face, so the bad guy stole the cop's face. It was crazy.

Either way, these people really need to check their facts before they write stuff.

Where Does One Get an "I Blogged" Sticker?

When I voted in November, I got a sticker with the words "I Voted" on it. It also had a nice little American flag. It'd be kind of cool if we got stickers for a lot of other stuff we do. Like maybe restaurants could hand out "I Ate" stickers, and bathrooms could have "I Pooped" sticker dispensers. You could take pride in your "I Passed a Kidney Stone" or "I Stopped Bleeding" sticker you received from the hospital. If you are brutally honest, you could wear things like the "I Was Divorced" sticker you received from your ex-spouse's lawyer, or the "I Cried Myself To Sleep" sticker your roommate gave you after that night you thought he was asleep. Hey, it's you, be proud of who you are!

First of all, this is good because stickers are awesome, and second of all, we will all know a lot more about each without having to ask as many questions. I hate it when people I just met ask me too many questions. Just read the sticker!

About Me - Thighs

I give myself deep thigh massages with bottles of oil from Bath and Body Works that costs me 32 bucks a pop.

A Special Thanksgiving Thought

You know, this last Thursday I was thinking of all the things I am thankful for. So I got to thinking about venomous snakes. Did you know that the venom of a baby snake is tons more potent than the venom of a full grown snake? Isn't that something else? It's an enhanced defense mechanism or whatever. Anyway, I am thankful that human babies aren't incredibly venomous. Can you imagine how dangerous they would be? Who would want to take care of them? And boy, breast feeding would be twice as dangerous! Nothing is healthier for a young baby than mother's milk. I imagine if their children were venomous, quite a few ladies would pass on the breast feeding thing. So I am thankful that the human race doesn't produce venomous children.

How to Not Save Time

I walked into a a take-out place the other day, and I decided I would do something different to save myself some time. Instead of locking my car door, I left the sucker unlocked. I would be able to see my car the whole time, so I didn't fear someone meddling with it. I figured it would be much quicker because I wouldn't waste time fumbling for my keys with the to-go food in my hand. I love saving time!

Well, my plan worked perfectly for a while. I got in my car, put the food in the passenger seat. Sweet, I didn't have to spend any time unlocking the door! But then, I needed to start the car. My keys were still in my jeans pocket. Since I was sitting down, I swear it took me about 30 seconds and much arching of my back to get the keys out. Time saved: -13 seconds. Certainly not the advantage I anticipated. I just guess that goes to show, you should never change up your routine, because change is bad and screws everything up.

After I wrote this blog entry, something seemed familiar. I did some searching, and I found some advice I should have listened to:

What Genius Wrote This?

If I had listened to that guy, I could have saved myself some time.

What Low Gas Prices?

I just met a recently thawed dude who had been frozen in ice in 2003. He has no idea about the junk that has gone on with gas prices the last few years. He is showing zero appreciation for the current price drop. I wish he would at least act excited.

Pour Some Sugar

You know those people who take pride in not adding sugar or creamer to their coffee? Who the heck do they think they are? Why is this considered a badge of honor to them?

Oooooo, you are so bad. You don't need any sugar or creamer. How bitter it must taste! But you don't care because you are so tough! I'll bet you sleep on a bed of nails at night, don't you?

Just stop acting like you are more of a man than me because you don't add sugar to coffee. There is nothing unmanly about sugar. Sugar tastes great. In fact, judging by how much larger you are than me, I am guessing you too enjoy sugar via other means than coffee. So just wipe that haughty look off your face and drink your coffee and don't think you are better than me because you don't need sugar and creamer. Got it?

When Hadrons Collide

Perhaps you have heard about the Large Hadron Collider (LHC). It is going to accelerate particles and we will learn some stuff supposedly about bosons or something. Well, there are some people who are worried that this thing may destroy the Earth. Some of the theories are described here:

How We're All Gonna Die From The Large Hadron Collider

I'm here to tell you that you don't need to listen to these bunch of sissies. There is nothing to be afraid; trust me, I know from experience. You see, I have a Small Hadron Collider (SHC) in my basement that has never given me a bit of trouble. I have been operating it for years now. Sure, it released a couple of demons from an alternate dimension, and it managed to give my dog wings, but the overall effect has been minimal. It is most certainly not Earth threatening (unless the demons suddenly decide to eat Earth instead of children). So sleep well, your Earth is not ending.

Domino's Receipt

When I pick up my pizza at the nearby Dominoes, they do something crazy with my credit card receipt. I sign the white copy, and it does that thing where it also signs the yellow copy underneath. You would think the customer would get the yellow copy, wouldn't you? Wrong. The person is always all like, "No, you keep the white one." Why do I need the white one with my real signature? That's the one you need, lady! I know what my signature looks like. I can give myself an autograph at anytime. I will never be in need of my own original signature. I will never take some document to the courthouse and be told, "Wait, you need to sign this," and then freak out because I don't have my signature on me. I can make a new one. I won't say, "CRAP! I left my signature at Dominoes! Just hold on and let me go get it!"

So Dominoes, really, just take the white copy like everyone else. Okay?

Broad Daylight

You normally hear the term "broad daylight" when something bad has happened. You know, like, "An elderly woman in a Kroger parking lot was slapped in the face and sprayed with butter flavored Pam in her eyes by a teenage assailant in broad daylight today." I don't think this is fair. It gives broad daylight a bad reputation. You know, a lot of good things happen in broad daylight, too. For example: I watered my plants in broad daylight last week. I hugged a child in broad daylight yesterday. I ran over a teenager with my car in broad daylight today, and I am pretty sure he is dead.

Now, I know what you are thinking: running over and killing a teenager is a bad thing that is more in line with the regular usage of "broad daylight." Well, this kid was holding a spray can of Pam, and I am pretty sure he is the one who assailed that old lady. I was a representative of justice today, and if that's not good then I don't know what is.

More Arguing Tips

A good line to use when arguing, even when it is not true, is "You just made my point." This statement is very frustrating and disconcerting to the other arguer.

Me vs Mosquitoes

I have been outdoors a bunch the past few days, and I have about 15 mosquito bites. Despite this, in the overall War for my Blood with the mosquitoes, I think I am still winning. I have a ton of blood left in the ole tank. However, I am losing badly in the War to Make Each Other Itch.

May The Shrimp Never End

Has anyone noticed we are in the middle of the "Endless Shrimp" promotion by Red Lobster? Does anyone also find it odd that the promotion ends at the conclusion of this month? Maybe a more fitting name can be found.

About Me - Gas Pumping

When pumping gas, I am quite good at predicting when the pump will have a printing error and say "See cashier for receipt."

Another Reason for a Cyborg Registry

Can people with pacemakers be classified as cyborgs? If so, should we go ahead and round them up now or wait until they try to take over? Man, I think the right answer was given in the movie Minority Report, but I can't remember what Tom Cruise told me it was. Better go ahead and lock 'em up to be safe.

Batman Begins to Offend Me

If I was ever at Bruce Wayne's mansion for a dinner party, and he called me sycophantic, I think I would be pretty offended, even if I don't know what sycophantic means. And no, I wouldn't accept some hairbrained apology like he wanted me out just because Raz Alboohoo or someone was about to burn his house. There are just some things you don't say, no matter what circumstances you are in.

Mothra vs The Sun

Moths and other flies that love to hang around lights at night just don't get it. There is a freaking huge light during the day that you really can't miss. It's called the sun. Once you go sun, you never go back to porchlight. These guys are clueless.

The Phantom Hands

Last week I was in a restroom, and the automatic sink didn't turn on when I put my hands under the faucet. I took it in stride tried another one. The second little laser using device didn't work either. This was too much of a coincidence, so a question arose in my mind: ARE MY HANDS BECOMING INVISIBLE?

How does one know when he or she has become invisible? Can you still see yourself? I am not familiar with the physics of invisibility, but it was pretty obvious the automatic sink could not see me. What will life be like as an invisible man? Can I still keep my job? Will I be ridiculed? Will I spend the rest of my days stealing old ladies apple pies that are cooling on window sills and doing other sly things most invisible people do? Or will I stay honorable and only use my invisibility for good? Then, my boss walked in and said, "What are you doing? You have a really weird look on your face. Why are you staring at your hands?"

Was it possible my boss can see invisible people? It would be reasonable to believe my boss got the supervisor job because of some sort of special powers. I decided I would try one more test. I put my hands under the automatic hand drier, and it turned on! Well, either the invisibility was temporary or I never really was invisible. I will never be sure what exactly happened that day. My boss mentioned something about hoping I didn't try to flush the toilet because the water was turned off for pipe repairs or something, but I was skipping out of the restroom, too excited to pay much attention to the lady. Oh yeah, did I mention I was in the women's restroom? I guess that information really isn't pertinent.

Heartfelt Advice

If you need someone to talk to about all this stuff going on, you know, you should probably talk to me or a close friend or something. You know, really air it out and get some things off your chest. And if you don't have any close friends to talk to, then you should probably kill yourself. Because if no one likes you and you don't have any real friends, then what's the point of living anyway?

Bullies

Contrary to what is taught, bullies usually have very high self esteems. When you are in control of other people and can dominate them like a bully can, usually your last problem is self esteem. In fact, the people who usually have low self esteems are people who get picked on a bunch. It makes sense when you think about it.

In a related story, when people used to make fun of you, it wasn't because they were just jealous or something like that. It was because they thought there was something about you worth making fun of.

So there you have it. Your parents and teachers lied to you. Bullies don't have low self esteem and the person making fun of you wasn't jealous. To add insult to injury, they are probably a lot more successful than you now, too.