Parental Love

My parents used to tell me they loved me even more and more each day. They also told my brother and sister that. In addition, they told us all that they loved each one of us the same amount. Older and wiser now, I realize what this entails. My sister was about three years older than me. If my parents loved us both more and more each day, that would mean they loved me more at the time of my birth than they loved her at the time of her birth. She would have a three year head start on me, so when I was born, if they both loved us equally right away, then that means they loved me as much as they loved her after three years of increasing love. So basically, when I was a newborn, they were more attached to me than they were to my newborn sister three years before.

I will not get into the implications this has on how much they might have loved me compared to my younger brother.

I'm A Hip Jedi

A good exercise to do is to say, "I felt a great disturbance in the Force," even if you didn't feel anything. It's always funny to see how many other people say, "I felt it, too," just so it doesn't look like you are more in tune with the Force than they are.

The Map Legend

Amerigo Vespucci was the first real Map Legend in my book. I'll bet that the key on a map describing how far in real miles an inch on the map represents and which way is north and whatever else was probably supposed to be named after him. However, since his name is so long and funky and hard to spell (I had to look it up myself), they just call it a Map Legend. But I think the Vespucci family understands that it's nothing personal, and they are still thankful for the small gesture.

Why I Am Non-Shortbus Special

Lately, I have been lying on my back and putting both legs into my pants at the same time. I am totally going to call out the next guy who tries to pull that one leg at a time crap on me. Don't try and confine me to a box of what you think all people should be like. I am special. I am really going to make a fool of someone. How will the person even respond to that? You can't. You will just look stupid for your assumption. That is why it has been said that when you make an assumption, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "mption."

A tip?? A TIP!!??

The option to give a tip at a place where you are not waited on by a server bothers me. I've seen it at delis, burrito joints, barbecue joints, chicken finger joints, and pita joints. You order, give them your Visa, get your receipt back to sign, and there it is: a line for the tip and another for the new total. Or it could be in the form of a "tip jar" sitting next to the register. Now see here all you food joint managers: just because it costs more than fast food doesn't mean you get a tip. You have to actually do some kind of subservient duty, like parking cars or carrying baggage or coming to people's tables asking if they need refills. Quit being so greedy. You are already charging 8 bucks for a burrito. Cut me some slack, jack.

One day I am going throw over the tip jar, watch it shatter on the floor, and drive out that brood of vipers with a whip. Better yet, one day I am going to put "$-1.00" for the tip and then write the subtracted sum on the total part. I would then get a cheaper meal, because that is what they deserve for trying to guilt me into giving them a tip for manning the cash register.

I Don't Care If You Think They Are Funny

Ridonculous and ginormous are stupid words, and I have never found the use of either to be the least bit amusing.

The Dream I Had

This is the dream I had: I was on a boat. We were watching a documentary on snakes. It said "For this much air, a snake needs this much water to survive," and it had a little diagram that showed how much water a snake needed for the amount of air it lived in. This of course doesn't make any sense.

Then it cut to a guy being interviewed Discovery Channel style and he said "That is why it is so good to have sharks around when your are scuba diving," which i guess is because the sharks scare away the snakes. I don't know exactly though, because he didn't explain. Then, we walked outside on the boat and the captain was like "Here we are. We have to salvage the wreckage of this ship we are over right now..." and then boom! the whole boat shook. We had accidently run over the ship! We all realized there must be a hole in the ship, and we were going to sink right into snake infested water. Then, I woke up, which was disappointing because I would liked to see how I was going to get out of that mess!

Anyways, watch out for snakes.

Being Careful

I think you should be careful when using the term "snail mail" in front of people you don't know, because you might be in the midst of a mailman. And we all know how offended a mailman gets when you refer to his life's work as "snail mail." They always say something like, "I'd like to see you try to think of a better way," or, "But it's so hard with all these dogs out to get us!" or,"Oh yeah?! I'd like to see a snail drive a funky car with the steering wheel on the wrong side for 8 hours a day!" All you can really say is, "Sorry. You know, just compared to the modern electronic means, it is kind of slow." Then you just hope it is not the type of mailman that will come into your work shooting the next day. In fact, as a rule I generally wear my kevlar vest and protective lab goggles for a few days whenever I offend a mailman. You can never be too careful.

Snapping

If you ever see me snapping with both hands to some sort of sweet beat, look and listen a little closer. Are you really hearing two separate snaps? No, you're not. I can only snap with my right hand. The left hand merely fake snaps. Fooled you, though.