Two Week Notice

Being in the Air National Guard, I am about to leave to serve my country for two weeks. For these weeks, I will not have access to a computer, and thus I will not be able to add anything to my blog. That being said, I think it is important that

In My Free Time

Sometimes I like to search my apartment for secret passage ways. You know, move a book here, twist a light fixture there, stuff like that. I haven't found one yet.

Other times, if the weather is nice, I like to go outside and search for buried treasure (I also keep an eye open for secret hidden caves). This really annoys my neighbors, though, when my search carries over to their yards. Besides, most of America's buried treasure has already been recovered. That's why most of the time, I just search for secret passages.

Elevators

If I was ever in charge of wiring elevators, I would switch the "Keep Door Open" and "Close Door" wires so that whichever button you push, the elevator would do the opposite. Man, that would really annoy people. Someone would be like "Hold that elevator," and then they'd see you jamming a button as the door closed. They'd think you were some kind of jerk. And then there'd be the person late for work, frantically trying to push the button to close the door, but instead he just sits there with the door wide open, yelling at it to close. Perfect.

And while we are all thinking about elevators, here is another thing. I was getting on an elevator the other day, and two of the people getting on with me dragged their hands across the sliding door opening. I thought it was funny, because you used to do that on old elevators if more people were getting on. The door would start sliding until it hit something, then it would go back. The hand slide was a preventive measure. But nowadays, elevators use lasers and stuff to sense things getting on. People, you don't have to drag your hands anymore. Let your shackles of hand dragging fall off and just allow the laser to do its job.

Jelly Beans

If you are eating jelly beans, never reach your hand blindly into the batch to pick a random one. You might get stuck with the licorice variety. That's basically my whole philosophy.

Candy

I was a little hungry at work the other day, so I went down to the snack machine to get a candy bar. I chose the Almond Joy by Hershey, because I don't normally get those and I was feeling dangerous. Well, there was some kind of contest on the wrapper where you look inside to see if you won. Of course I didn't win, but what I found was just as interesting. There was a message. This is what the message said:

"Candy is a treat. Please consume in moderation."

Amazing. People nowadays are so fat that Hershey feels the need to print warnings on their products. It's like they are cigarettes or beer or something. People will be lining up to sue the candy companies before you know it. The Surgeon General will soon be demanding warnings on all candy bars. It's the apocalypse, baby.

Party Tip

If you are throwing a party but don't have a lot of money, there are some cheaper alternatives to the normal party decor. For example, instead of having a strobe light to create that great rave atmosphere, just ask your party guests to continuously blink their eyes. Go ahead and try it now. It works.

If you're reading this and you already bought a strobe light, well I guess you are feeling pretty stupid right now.