The White Crayon

Who invented the white crayon? What the heck is the point of that thing? Has anyone ever actually used the white crayon? That thing doesn't show up on the paper at all. Whenever a box of crayons is purchased, all the other crayons get used up and the white crayon is completely intact. I know what some of you may be thinking: What if you have to color on a piece of construction paper or some other non-white paper? Well, the white crayon still stinks, and we all know it. I wonder who invented it. I'll bet the other crayons had been made for awhile, and the dude was like "Eureka! I figured out how to make it white!" Then, all his scientist friends were all like, "Yeah, we've all known how to make it, but there's just really no point, because no one will ever use it." Then, the first guy would think the others were just jealous and continue to make white crayons, but the others really just knew the one guy was a moron.

Shocks

Man, I tell you what. I shock myself all the time in my office. And it's because of this static generator known as a "couch" that I often sit on in there. Whenever I get up, I can feel the charge. Sometimes I forget about it, though. I know one time I got up and touched the mouse on my computer, and boy o' boy! That one could've killed me. It's the worst when someone knocks on the door, because I just know I am screwed. I have just suck it up and open the door handle. BZZT!

Shocking wasn't always such a fun-free endeavor. When I was a senior in high school, there was this metal ball in physics class that would shock the willy nilly out of ya when you touched it. Man, it hurt. But it turns out it could be made into a pretty good weapon. Once you touch it and take your shock, you yourself can shock those who walk by by merely touching your finger to them. The only problem is that there was only an outlet at the back of the room. So, being the leader of men that I am, I had the whole class make a big hand-in-hand chain that could reach from the metal ball to the hallway. Kind of like a love-train where everyone is holding hands in a chain as a plea for peace, except we were holding hands so we could hurt people. So the bell would ring, tons of people would walk by, and I would shock them all. Man that was great. I even shocked my own freshman brother. People would try to dodge me, but they couldn't. The hall was too small. I felt like Earnest P Worrell must have felt like in Earnest Goes To Jail, where he gets the electric chair but instead of dying, he has the power to shoot electricity. It hurt just as bad for me as it did for them, but seeing people's faces really made up for it. And may Earnest rest in peace. Amen.

Holding It

I think when you have homework due very soon, it is good to try to hold in your urine for as long as possible while you work on it. The positive side of this is two-fold: you don't waste time going to the restroom, and the need to go adds to the sense of urgency you are feeling. You know, it just adds a little kick to your step. Now I'm not saying you should hold it until you get a bladder infection or something, just try and press the envelope as much as possible. You will be surprised at what you can get done when your brain is in its heightened alert 'I really need to pee now!' stage (notice I am still in single quote mode). Kind of like those ADD medications, just cheaper.

Quotation Fingers

You know the quotation fingers? Like when you are saying something in quotes, so you hold up your middle and pointer fingers and flex them up and down? Well, last week I decided that I would open the quote, but not finish. I did this by only contracting my fingers once instead of twice, which is the common thing to do. So in essence, until I decide to close the quotes, when I say something in quotes I only contract my pointer fingers, so that I am only using single quotation marks.

So basically, instead of saying: Brock Jacobson said, "The yelow pigments gave me herpes," I am motioning: Brock Jacobson said, 'The yelow pigments gave me herpes.' Because everything I say is in the big quotes. Quite revolutionary I think. I don't know when I will close the quotes. I originally intended it to be an experiment that only lasted a week, but this new found freedom of only using my pointer fingers to denote quotations is satisfying. We will just have to wait and see.

The Prosecution Rests

If I am ever a big time prosecutor assigned to a big time case, I know what I would do. I would bring a bowl of banana pudding to the courtroom. When the defense lawyer says to the judge, "But your honor, this man has no evidence," a slight smile will creep into my face. I will take my key piece of evidence, and I will look at it. I will walk slowly around the courtroom, studying the defendant, the jurors, and the judge, all the while thoughtfully glancing at the evidence in my hands. With determination, I will walk to the bowl I brought and place the evidence in it. I will then say, "Ladies and gentlemen, the proof is in the pudding."