Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Roaches In My Hair

So we have these tiny roach type things that often turn up in our kitchen. I usually kill a couple a day, sometimes 5 or 6. I have noticed that every time I kill one, it gives me this satisfaction of justice being served, and I say to myself, "Death comes to us all, Oruku Saki." This of course is what Splinter says to Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie before causing him to fall to his death. (of course, any follower of the TMNT trilogy knows that Shredder somehow survived the 10 story fall and subsequent crushing at the hands of Casey Jones and his garbage truck. But it is still a wonderful line.) So, anyways, I think that's kind of weird that I say that to myself and all that. Well, whatever, nevermind.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Nosy 6th Graders

And while we're on the subject of potty talk, I am reminded of when I was in elementary school. I remember the scariest thing to do was to take a dump in the bathroom. You only went if you were forced to due to an emergency, because you never knew when a 6th grader might walk in and make fun of you. How embarrassing.

I can even remember one instance where two sixth graders walked in during such an emergency situation, talking so cooly with their deep voices. I took evasive action and lifted my legs. That way, if they made the "look under" move, the stall would appear empty. The plan of course backfired when one of them walked back to get some tissue to blow his nose. He could see the faint figure of a 4th grade through the cracks. After he noticed, the two started whispering and snickering. I am sure the one guy whispered to the other guy something like, "There's that 4th grader Michael Shea in there. He's POOPING! With his legs up! Go and tell all the girls in school." Man, that was a bad day.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Toilet Flushing And The Rhombus

I believe that the rhombus is by far the most neglected geometric shape.

So in the aerospace building men's bathroom, ther are signs above every single toilet that read "Please Flush Toilet After Every Use." I think it's just amazing that there needs to be a sign instructing people to do this. But it is needed, as almost every day I go in there, I see a poop filled unflushed toilet. Flushing toilets is one of those things you are supposed to learn pretty early on, somewhere around learning how to walk, how to tie your shoes, how to read, how to cover up steroids in your urine, how to brush your teeth, how to torture a man, or how to eat solids. You would think that somewhere amid these early life lessons, the flushing lesson would occur. But I guess not.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

No Rules, Just Right

Here are a few things I want to do:
1) Chase down and catch a squirrel. I gave up on this one at about age 10, but I figure I am a lot faster now with better stamina. Let the squirrel chasing resume.
2) Go into Outback Steakhouse naked, and when told to put on some clothes or face criminal charges, say, "That sounds an awful lot like a rule to me..."
3) That's about it. There is nothing else I want to accomplish.
4) No seriously, that's it

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Parking 'n Stuff

I am really sick of these morons in Auburn who can't park between the lines. It's like some kind of idiot epidemic. Learn to park the huge SUV your dad bought for you. It's not that hard. If you are a little off on the first try, feel free to back up and try again until you are within the lines. Or get a smaller car.

And don't even get me started on Auburn drivers' inability to figure out the four-way stop. At least 3 times a week, I am the third car to come to a four-way stop, and I end up going first while the two morons stare at each other wondering whose turn it is. They need to teach a mandatory driving course at orientation. I'm sorry, not orientation, "Camp War Eagle."